OBI-WAN THE MURDERER

My name is Owen Lars, moisture farmer extraordinaire. My step-brother, Anakin Skywalker, was betrayed and murdered by his mentor, Obi-wan Kenobi. I know this because Watto told me. This blog site is intended to raise awareness in the greater Mos Eisley area that this criminal is at large, living in our community, and what I, and hopefully others who care, plan to do about it.

20051006

Colon rider

I called Beru first thing this morning. Her dad answered, and I used a fake voice when asking for her. Unfortunately, the voice I used was my impression of Watto, and Mr. Whitesun knew it was me right away. He told me to never call there again and hung up on me. Frustrated, I slammed the phone into the wall, not knowing that the Padme-dog was walking by at that very moment. The phone struck her in the head with such force that it knocked her unconscious. At least, I thought she was unconscious. We’ll know for sure in a couple of days if she starts reeking.

If I couldn’t get Beru on the phone, I didn’t know how I was going to tell her the news about Luke’s father. Because she lives on the other side of Tatooine, it would cost me way too much in fuel to drive there, especially now, with out of control petroleum prices. I asked Carl if he could think of a way to get to Mos Viggo really cheap. Carl, a Tatooine native, knows a lot about what goes on in this desolate planet.

He came up with a brilliant idea. He told me that the Bondoo band of the Tusken Raiders, which currently resides near Anchorhead, migrate to the other side of Tatooine every year at this time. He suggested that I stowaway inside one of their bantha’s rear ends, then sneak out when they reach Mos Viggo. It sounded kind of gross, but heck, if it’s free…

After packing a bag, I headed out to the Tusken encampment. I left Carl in charge of the farm, R2, and my unconscious/maybe-dead Padme-dog. It was Carl’s idea that I bring along some lard to grease my body so I fit in the large animal’s rectum more comfortably. The Tuskens were all busy packing their belongings when I got there, so I had an excellent opportunity to enter the beast undetected. Despite greasing myself first, the animal howled in pain, but soon got used to it. The unsuspecting Tuskens thought he was hungry, and gave him a bunch of food to eat.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t really that bad in the bantha’s butt. I felt really warm and safe, like when I was in my mother’s womb. Only my nose and mouth stuck out of it so I could breathe. It didn’t even smell bad. What clean animals! After a while I could sense that we were moving. We traveled a long ways, and I could tell that we were getting close. I was feeling really good about this plan until the beast let out a powerful blast of #2, simultaneously ejecting me from his anus.

The last thing I remember was falling to the ground in a pile of feces, and a particularly perturbed Tusken Raider knocking me out with the butt of his gaderffii stick. Ooo, that smarts!

Lars- out!

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