OBI-WAN THE MURDERER

My name is Owen Lars, moisture farmer extraordinaire. My step-brother, Anakin Skywalker, was betrayed and murdered by his mentor, Obi-wan Kenobi. I know this because Watto told me. This blog site is intended to raise awareness in the greater Mos Eisley area that this criminal is at large, living in our community, and what I, and hopefully others who care, plan to do about it.

20051117

No butt cheeks...Who knew?

After the cops picked up all the pieces of Carl off the bathroom floor, the hunt for the killer was on. The police finally made an arrest yesterday. It seems our kindly old neighbor, Mrs. Southersby, was hiding her true nature from everyone. The filth found it odd that the nice old grandmother who attended our party couldn’t remember where she was at the time of the murder. No alibi. Open and shut case. And by the way, Granny, the old, “I lost my senility pills trick” just isn’t going to fly in the face of Tatooine justice.

With that out of the way, we could concentrate on our newest problem: Danto Starmonger. Apparently, he was partners with Carl and now claims that the business they started is his, and his alone. I asserted that because Carl was my property, his belongings are mine, but that SOB Judge Tempest saw it differently. He said that because I was in a coma for so long, I lost my legal rights to my slave, and he was thereby emancipated. Tempest always had it in for me because I appeared before him numerous times on DUI charges. I will, of course, appeal.

For the meantime, however, all of our income has stopped. I begged Dad to go look for a job, but he told me to go to hell. Because the enormous house is legally Beru’s, I convinced her to sell it, as we couldn’t even afford the electric bill. So we put the mansion up on the market and it sold right away. We even had a yard sale and sold all the furniture. Now we were rich, but homeless.

Dad suggested that we go back to moisture farming, since it’s all we knew. We shacked up in a hotel and perused the classifieds, hoping to find a great farm up for sale, but alas, there was none. It was hard to read with Beru and Luke crying and wailing for their lost kin, so Dad and I decided to move it to the cantina for a drink(s). It was the first time Dad had walked in there since he murdered all those people in there all those years ago. It seemed everyone had forgotten about it. All except Sheevo, the bartender, who still works there to this day (he wasn‘t working the day of the massacre). He kept giving Dad the death stare and Dad flipped him off. Later he spit in Dad’s drink before serving it to him. I didn’t tell Dad.

Dad got drunk and started confessing to me that he was the infamous Jawa serial killer, and that he killed Carl because he thought he was a Jawa. I didn’t know where all this nonsense was coming from. I told him to join us all in reality. He became angry when I didn’t believe me, and dragged me outside to the back alley. He grabbed the closest Jawa and proceeded to choke him to death. Then he turned him over, pulled up his robe, and began eating its buttocks. I was shocked! Jawas don’t have any butt cheeks! Just one big mass of black flesh without a crack. How do they poo?

After Dad finished consuming the creature’s backside, he asked me if I believed him, now. I told Dad that it was pretty sick to kill a Jawa just so I’d believe that he was the serial killer. He simply went too far this time. It just proves that he’s as immature as ever. Besides, everyone knows that Mrs. Southersby is the killer. I wish Dad would just grow up, once and for all.

Lars- out!

2 Comments:

At 10:25 AM, Blogger Dr.Spocks said...

Obviously your dad feels like a failure, and he thinks he'd be more popular and be perceived as more of a success, if he was some sort of sadistical killer.

Recent surveys show that at least 34.7% of his demographical category have attempted similar tactics sometime in their midlife crises.

To fascilate your dad's recovery, try taking him fishing, bowling, or just watch a football game with him. Make sure to provide plenty of popcorn, as well a list of conversation starters and icebreakers, for every commercial break where there isn't a beer commercial playing.

Good luck in your honorable pursuit,

Dr. Spocks
- Makes it craaaaazzy in da club!

 
At 11:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

http://www.adquity.com

Classifieds for our community. Buy, sell, trade, date, events... post anything. Adquity Classifieds.

http://www.adquity.com

 

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