OBI-WAN THE MURDERER

My name is Owen Lars, moisture farmer extraordinaire. My step-brother, Anakin Skywalker, was betrayed and murdered by his mentor, Obi-wan Kenobi. I know this because Watto told me. This blog site is intended to raise awareness in the greater Mos Eisley area that this criminal is at large, living in our community, and what I, and hopefully others who care, plan to do about it.

20051222

Crap sandwhich (without the bread)...

I’m so pissed off that Dad read my electronic journal that I could pull all the teeth out of his mouth with my teeth. If he ever even dreams about interfering with my writings again, he’ll wish he had two legs. First of all, none of this stuff was any of his business, and secondly, he had absolutely no right to make a post of his own! Especially when it was filled with lies, contradictions, and deceptions. Not to mention delusions of grandeur: “I’m the infamous Jawa serial killer…”, yeah, right!

What upset me the most was that he had to bring my name into it. What’s this business about ballerinas and piano recitals? None of that happened. The only thing in his post that was remotely true was the deal with the sofa cushions. Only they weren’t cushions, they were folds of Jabba’s niece’s flesh. Dad’s such an ass…

I already changed my password to something Dad would never guess. If he ever wants to view my online journal again, he’ll have to think really hard to come up with my birth month and year. I bet he couldn’t even get the month right. Dad’s never been good about birthdays. One year he gave me an expired coupon to the cantina three months after my birthday had passed. He thought he was early.

Putting all this Cliegg nonsense behind us, I should probably fill you in on what’s happened in my life lately. Beru and I have officially gotten back together. She wants us to get married and for me to adopt Luke, but I’ll have to think about it. Luke’s a real nerd, and Beru’s a little too “easy,” if you know what I mean. Since I still got a great deal of money, I better waste it on strange women before I settle down with the old hag.

Speaking of Luke, I’m pretty confident that he’s filled with devils. He keeps moving objects across the room with a single motion of his hand, and he seems to be able to talk me into just about anything. Last night he convinced me that I wanted to drink from the toilet, and I did. The worst part is that Dad had just taken a hefty dump, and adhering to our water conservation policies, he didn’t flush. The warm, rancid taste of his feces made me gag, but yet I kept drinking. His log peeled apart easily with the thrashing motion of the water, and at times I swallowed entire chunks of the brown mass, along with several pieces of undigested space-corn. Luke’s such an ass…

After brushing my teeth, I decided to beat the living crap out of him. I waited until he was asleep, and began beating him unmercifully with my belt. I felt like a real man standing above him, holding all the power. Beru heard the thuds, and came in to investigate. I immediately laid on the floor and placed the belt in Luke’s hand. I began wailing as Beru approached us. She became very angry at Luke, and administered several spankings to the naught boy. I tried not to laugh as he cried out to the force to save him. Beru helped me up and apologized for her son’s violent behavior. I told her if it happened again, we’d have to look into boarding school.

Beru’s so stupid…

Lars- out!

4 Comments:

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At 7:44 PM, Anonymous He who loves Heineken said...

yo dude, I left a message on your machine...no answer...neways, interesting blog...the chunks were pretty nasty, though. But I guess that's what lifes all about: being able to take a shit and laugh at it. Oh, and seriously, you would've made one chunky, mannish ballerina. Although, the thought of you prancing around in a leatord...that's ALMOST fantasy material. May the force dismiss you!

 
At 10:32 PM, Anonymous technicolorsoul said...

dude, check out my new blog....its a little strange, but I can't deny I created it. peace.

 
At 10:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

 

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