OBI-WAN THE MURDERER

My name is Owen Lars, moisture farmer extraordinaire. My step-brother, Anakin Skywalker, was betrayed and murdered by his mentor, Obi-wan Kenobi. I know this because Watto told me. This blog site is intended to raise awareness in the greater Mos Eisley area that this criminal is at large, living in our community, and what I, and hopefully others who care, plan to do about it.

20050723

All I see is RED!

O.K. I realize you all are expecting me to “lose it” at any minute. Well, that’s just not going to be the case. Although my gimp father is dating a grotesque hummingbird, and the woman I’ve devoted myself to all these seasons is now sticking a dagger in my spinal column, I remain composed. Com- frickin’- posed! This whole Obi-wan and Beru thing may still prove to be a humorous misunderstanding…I’m kind of hoping it is. I’m just still not willing to believe that my sweet Beru would cheat on me; and with Obi-wan, of all people. For the past six weeks or so, she’s heard my lectures about the wayward Jedi, and how dangerous he really is.

By now, Beru surely knows that he is nothing but a murdering swine. I speak of my brother, Anakin, often. Beru, without a doubt, has heard the tale of the first meeting I had with my “bro” about a thousand times. The details of the story have evolved numerous times, but to my deepest chagrin, Beru has her own personal account, having also been a witness. I’m not exactly sure if these accounts gel. But, then again, she can sometimes be a liar. That’s how broads are; liars.

Anyway, with dishonesty in mind, I feel it’s fair to assume that Obi-wan had officially set his Jedi-radar on my bird long ago. That sick, twisted neighbor of mine can rot in Mustafar before I’ll let him obtain the greatest conquest I have ever had. Beru belongs to me, because I say so. The broad has no right to move on or go anywhere else. If she ever does get this betrayal “bug” in her, it’ll be because the wizard, Obi-wan, subconsciously planted it in her. Kenobi is a cancerous bastard that infects not only his host, but the other cell organisms around him. He really is a piece of work! I’m just starting to realize that he has a power that is definitely unorthodox; and if I can manage to scrape together the right combination of hard-lining citizens to my cause, the burden would no longer be mine, alone. Let’s all just be honest. We want him dead, don’t we? Yes. We, do! Let’s all strive together to make it happen!

Lars- out!

20050722

The ultimate betrayal!

Well, it’s official; dad and Rotta are an “item”. Apparently, all the negative stuff I told her about dad produced the opposite effect. She actually felt sorry for him, and claimed that he was only like that because he was lonely. She even understood about the “night jar”, saying she understood him using one due to his “handicap”. They went out again today. Dad got all spruced up; he even bathed! I fear he’s getting too serious.

When they returned, they came into the living room, where I was picking at my toenails. They sat right next to me on the couch and began cuddling. I tried not to watch as he caressed her limp little arms and her wings. With my peripheral vision, I saw dad nudge her hairy little chin and begin giving her slow, wet kisses. The smacking noise of their lips engaging made me nauseous. I ran outside and slammed the front door in protest. How disgusting!

I trolled the property, making sure all the moisture evaporators were working properly. Noticing a shape moving on the horizon, I got out my electro-binoculars to take a gander. It was my arch-nemesis, Obi-wan, taking his herbie-curbie to the curb. What a jerk! He probably has the garbage receptacle filled with limbs of his dead friends. As I watched the murdering S.O.B. walking back to his house, the most unbelievable thing happened. Beru, driving my speeder, pulled up to his front door. I watched her jump out of the speeder and hand him what looked like a piece of paper. The two conversed for what seemed like forever. Although I am no lip-reading expert, I could have sworn that Obi-wan said, “Owen doesn’t know”. Owen doesn’t know? What’s that mean?! What’s going on here?

I began hyperventilating as I slowly started realizing what I was seeing. The two were messing around! How could I have been so blind to have not seen it? Beru finally left, leaving behind a smiling Obi-wan. My blood boiled over. What was I going to do? I decided not to mention this to Beru; not yet, at least. First, I would need some hard evidence to throw in her face. It would become my highest priority to get to the bottom of this. Nobody makes a cuckold out of Owen Lars!

Lars- out!

20050721

Dad's date

Dad’s about a jerk! I simply asked him for an advance on my allowance this morning, and he went off on me! He let me know in stern tones that I don’t deserve an allowance, given my age, and that he doesn’t have any money, anyhow. I was totally irritated by this, especially since I needed money to pay my P.O. next week. This probation oversight thing is going to kill me, I’ll tell you that. Even as he yelled at me, I sensed something was afoul. After a bit of digging, I realized what it was: dad was nervous because he had a date! Excuse me? With who? Who’s this sleazy tramp he’s going out with? I couldn’t wait to hear the answer.

With Beru and that baby as witnesses, dad admitted that he was going out for the night with none other than Watto’s sister, Rotta! Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey?! That’s about the ugliest Toydarian I’ve ever seen in my life! How in Mustafar did those two hook up? And when? What in the name of the force was going on? Beru seemed as shocked as me. Even the baby let out some bad gas in that instant, a sure sign that the situation seemed a bit “off balance” to him. What on Tatooine was dad thinking? Is he trying to get attention, or what? How could a love between these two very different species even work, in a practical sense? I felt so sick, I feared I’d vomit. Dad, always the champion of segregation in the past, was now becoming the “Lion Forest” of his generation! Ohhh- I’m starting to feel really sick.

After going through the 9 psychological stages in a record 4.7 seconds, I knew it was time to take serious action. I immediately called Watto, and eagerly filled him in. He had the nerve to tell me that he already knew about this unholy union, and that, in fact, he was all for it. He used words like, “honorable”, and “down-to-Tatooine”, to describe dad. I asked him if he was smoking space-crack. He said, “No”.

Dad put on his best cologne and waited by the door for her to arrive. She had to pick him up since he doesn’t drive. When she arrived, she flew into the house and gave dad a huge kiss on the mouth. I vomited. The odd couple was gone for several hours. When dad returned, he was smiling and singing, behaving like a young lad with a school-yard crush. I haven’t seen him this happy in years, not since Shmi was alive. I decided that all of this had to end, and quickly. When dad went to sleep, I called Rotta, and told her all the bad stuff about dad that I could think of. She seemed especially disgusted when I told her about his “night jar”. Hopefully, she’ll never call again. We’ll see.

Lars- out!

20050720

The truth about dad's leg

Dad was on my last nerve today. All I needed him to do was call the electric to get an extension, and he outright refused. The whole thing culminated into a huge argument, which ended up with him throwing that whole Shmi thing back in my face. Once in a while, dad likes to remind me that I didn’t join the posse when Shmi was kidnapped by Tusken Raiders. I remember that day like it was yesterday. Dad rounded up a bunch of nearby farmers, loaded the speeder with old hunting blasters, and told me to get in. I explained to him that it was harvest, and I needed to put in a full day of farming. Besides, I had a horrendous headache. Pissed off, he took off without me.

Later, dad returned with only a few survivors. What wimps; they couldn’t even beat an unarmed tribe of sand people! Dad’s leg was badly damaged, but it looked reparable. Dad begged me to drive him to the hospital, but our insurance coverage had lapsed, and I didn’t feel like incurring a large medical bill due to dad’s carelessness. I remember telling dad that the wound was superficial enough that I, myself, could operate on it. I got Beru to bring me some hot water and several towels, not the good ones, but the ones I used to clean up after the speeder with the oil leak. Dad was screaming in agony, and poor Beru had to hold him down as I “operated”. All dad really needed was a small suture across his knee, but I guess I was overzealous, this being my first surgery, and all. It was kind of like cutting hair: you want to make both sides even, but sometimes you cut one side too short, and have to even out the other side.

I found myself doing strange things like cutting through tendons and bone. The screams were horrific! When the botched surgery was over, dad’s leg was lying next to him on the bed. It was then I realized that I had done something wrong. I apologized to dad and instructed beru to take him to the hospital. I was so distressed that I had to take a nap. I awoke when they got back. Dad’s “stump” was bandaged, and he had this really cool glider-chair. Lucky! I wish I could ride around in one of those. I told him there was no reason to thank me. Inexplicably, he punched me in the butt really hard.

Lars- out!

20050719

Back in true form!

It was a rough night. I woke up in the dumpster, reeking of hot sewage and with a crick in my neck. To make matters worse, I realized that it WAS a dead Jawa I had been sleeping on. I later found out that there’s a serial killer on the loose taking out Jawas all over town. I didn’t call the police, as I had just left them. I’m sure someone will find the body.

I hitched a ride to my homestead with another farmer who knew my dad. Apparently, dad owed him lots of money, and he’d take the opportunity of taking me home to get his money back. Yeah, right. Dad with money? During the ride, I daydreamed about holding Beru and telling her of all the great changes in my life. I also couldn’t wait to see Luke. How I missed him, so. When I got there, I immediately ran into the living room to hug my beloved, but stopped short upon seeing Luke lying on the floor, tearing up a brand-new bag of puffed pork. Almost the entire bag had been dumped out and strewn about the floor. I went off! I began shouting at Beru, cursing her very family name! The baby started crying, and I went off on him, too.

My lengthy tirade was interrupted, however, by a large crashing sound that seemed to come from dad’s room. Upon investigating, I was shocked to find dad and the farmer he owes money to wrestling on the ground. In the scuffle, they had broken a lamp and tore down several of dad’s knick-knack shelves. My first instinct was to jump in and help dad, but I admit it was quite amusing to watch him losing a fight. The farmer gave dad such a hard punch to the face that it made me cringe. It was obvious that his nose was broken. Oh, well, that’s what you get!

After stealing several of dad’s possessions, the farmer headed off. Beru came to me to apologize, but I told her it was too late. I warned her sternly to keep that baby away from my stuff in the future. When Beru left to take dad to the hospital, I decided it was time for a drink. I went back to the cantina, telling all my cohorts that last night’s drama was only an elaborate practical joke. They all had a great laugh, and began buying me rounds. I told them the REAL story of my weekend in jail: how my cell-mates tried to lynch me, and how I kicked all of their butts, and how they waited on me hand and foot from that point on, giving me their commissary food and what-not. All my cantina buddies cheered.

Later, someone at the bar mentioned that Obi-wan was in town earlier, teaching blind kids how to read brail. What a showboat! You will never know how much I hate that S.O.B.!

Lars- out!

20050718

An unpopular "new me"

The force is real, and it came through for me in a REAL way today. I went to court for my arraignment, and was nervous, to be sure, but also ready to receive my just punishment. Instead, a miraculous thing happened. Judge Smay, usually known as a “tough” judge, was apparently having a good day. He saw my demeanor and the fine way I conducted myself, and believed that I had reformed. He totally let me off easy, only adding on an extra six months to my ongoing probation. He even shook my hand at the end of the proceedings, a sign that he not only trusted that I had changed, but also had an enormous amount of respect for me. My heart swelled, yet again. I walked out of the jail totally renewed. Since dad and Beru knew nothing of my current situation, there was no one there to greet me. Without a ride home, I traveled on foot through the sin-infested streets of Mos Eisely. Unfortunately, I had to walk past the cantina, my old “den of sin and corruption”. I tried to walk past it swiftly, but temptation reared its ugly head in the form of Watto, who was apparently stepping outside to do #1 on the stony walls outside the pub. He happened to spot me, and beckoned me inside for a drink. I tried to explain to him that I had changed, but he wouldn’t hear of it. I decided to go inside in order to convert the sinners I once hung with to the force.

At first, things were cool. My old friends listened to my conversion story with great earnest. They seemed to be bored, however, when I mentioned that I was now a different man; for some reason, they didn’t seem to like that, at all. After a few ticks, they inexplicably turned on me, calling me a Jedi book of wisdom-thumper, and a force-freak. Without provocation, they began hurling heavy wine tins and empty bottles at my head. I barely escaped from the place unscathed. I had to seek refuge in a nearby dumpster, as the cantina patrons grabbed torches and followed me through the dark allies of suburban Mos Eisley. Luckily, they bypassed my hiding place, leaving me to wonder. What had just happened? How had I offended my pals to the point that they were willing to do bodily harm against me? What did I say wrong? If only I could make it back to my homestead; back to my loving Beru, my son, Luke, and my wonderful, respected father, Cleigg. Then I would be happy. But I’m sure that will happen, tomorrow. For now, I won’t take any chances. I will sleep in this dumpster tonight, and then secure transport home in the morning. I don’t mind it; except I’m almost positive I’m lying on top of the body of a dead Jawa.

Lars- A little scared right now

20050717

A new man!

Today, I completed the list of people I needed to ask for forgiveness. It took a long time, and filled several pages, but I got it done. For some obscure reason, Beru and dad’s name appeared multiple times, as did Luke’s. Also on the list were Watto, Shmi (for an insurmountable number of reasons), Anakin, Anakin’s broad, (the one he brought to our house that one time), C-3PO, but I promise, I can’t imagine why (did I hear that he had his memory erased….I hope so), and a score of people I knew in high school. I realize some of these folks have passed on into the force, which may make my job harder. But I’m thinking, since Obi-wan can talk to ghosts, perhaps he can “channel” their spirits for me, allowing me to do a beyond-the-grave, “my bad“. The list went on: there seemed to be many people and creatures from the cantina that I may have, and probably did, harm, as well as some senior citizens I may have “duped,“ in my efforts to earn an extra buck. I was overwhelmed by the infinite number of individuals that I had stepped on during my climb up the moisture farmer ladder. I now saw it all so clear. I pretty much had betrayed everyone that I had ever loved, and done so without regard to their feelings or their well-being. I was such a wretched soul! But the force saved me, and no longer will I walk in darkness.

I stand before a judge tomorrow. I will stand up straight, with my head held high, not for the things that I have done, but for the lesson that I have learned from said wrong-doings. I know I will most likely be told that I will have to stay in jail until my trial ends, and then some, due to the probation violation. But, all that I expect. I just pray to the force that whatever time I spend incarcerated, I will use to try to convert others to the force. Already, I feel that the walrus-man, the one who won’t stop staring at me, needs guidance, and I feel he can only find it through the force. I will make it a point to convert him, myself.

Through the grace of the force, I was finally able to reach Beru tonight. For once, dad didn’t answer the phone, and therefore couldn’t deny the charges. She readily accepted, and we began to converse. But as luck would have it, the phone bill was way overdo, and before we could even begin speaking, Tatooine Bell had interrupted our service, cutting off the call. The only thing I heard Beru say was, “I do”, in answer to whether or not she’d accept the charges. But it was that, “I do” that still resonates in my mind cavity even now. It’s that same, “I do” that I can’t wait to hear from her when we tie the knot. The nuptial will be soon, as soon as I can get out of here, that is. If released, I won’t waste any time making things right with my space-bird. I’ll tell you all right now: Beru’s my lady, and I will always be her one-and-only man. My heart is glad, now, I can most assuredly tell you that. Things will soon be very different in the Lars household. My heart is swelling…

Lars- wishing you the peace and serenity that I feel!