OBI-WAN THE MURDERER

My name is Owen Lars, moisture farmer extraordinaire. My step-brother, Anakin Skywalker, was betrayed and murdered by his mentor, Obi-wan Kenobi. I know this because Watto told me. This blog site is intended to raise awareness in the greater Mos Eisley area that this criminal is at large, living in our community, and what I, and hopefully others who care, plan to do about it.

20051006

Colon rider

I called Beru first thing this morning. Her dad answered, and I used a fake voice when asking for her. Unfortunately, the voice I used was my impression of Watto, and Mr. Whitesun knew it was me right away. He told me to never call there again and hung up on me. Frustrated, I slammed the phone into the wall, not knowing that the Padme-dog was walking by at that very moment. The phone struck her in the head with such force that it knocked her unconscious. At least, I thought she was unconscious. We’ll know for sure in a couple of days if she starts reeking.

If I couldn’t get Beru on the phone, I didn’t know how I was going to tell her the news about Luke’s father. Because she lives on the other side of Tatooine, it would cost me way too much in fuel to drive there, especially now, with out of control petroleum prices. I asked Carl if he could think of a way to get to Mos Viggo really cheap. Carl, a Tatooine native, knows a lot about what goes on in this desolate planet.

He came up with a brilliant idea. He told me that the Bondoo band of the Tusken Raiders, which currently resides near Anchorhead, migrate to the other side of Tatooine every year at this time. He suggested that I stowaway inside one of their bantha’s rear ends, then sneak out when they reach Mos Viggo. It sounded kind of gross, but heck, if it’s free…

After packing a bag, I headed out to the Tusken encampment. I left Carl in charge of the farm, R2, and my unconscious/maybe-dead Padme-dog. It was Carl’s idea that I bring along some lard to grease my body so I fit in the large animal’s rectum more comfortably. The Tuskens were all busy packing their belongings when I got there, so I had an excellent opportunity to enter the beast undetected. Despite greasing myself first, the animal howled in pain, but soon got used to it. The unsuspecting Tuskens thought he was hungry, and gave him a bunch of food to eat.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t really that bad in the bantha’s butt. I felt really warm and safe, like when I was in my mother’s womb. Only my nose and mouth stuck out of it so I could breathe. It didn’t even smell bad. What clean animals! After a while I could sense that we were moving. We traveled a long ways, and I could tell that we were getting close. I was feeling really good about this plan until the beast let out a powerful blast of #2, simultaneously ejecting me from his anus.

The last thing I remember was falling to the ground in a pile of feces, and a particularly perturbed Tusken Raider knocking me out with the butt of his gaderffii stick. Ooo, that smarts!

Lars- out!

20051005

Revelations

My R2 unit came back from Obi-Wan’s place with more information than I could have ever expected. It seems in his haste to conjure up his dead Jedi friend, Obi-Wan neglected to close the front door, and R2 had a perfect shot of his living room. R2 videotaped the entire scene. When he replayed it for me, I was shocked beyond belief.

First of all, Obi-Wan addressed his dead friend as Qui-Gon Jinn, his old Jedi master. He then told Qui-Gon that Anakin was still alive in the form of Darth Vader. I almost soiled myself when I heard this. Also, he claimed that Anakin was now evil and obsessed with power, and is preparing to take over the entire galaxy with Emperor Palpatine. Obi-Wan expressed concern that Vader might find him hiding out on Tatooine, and instructed Qui-Gon to relay this information to Master Yoda on Dagobah.

When the hologram ended, I just sat there, dumbstruck. Could this be true? It must be true, I mean, why would Obi-Wan lie to a ghost? So my brother is still alive! What great news! But wait a second- he’s evil now. Wait, go back again- Obi-Wan never killed Anakin. That means he’s not a murderer, after all. That means I have no reason to hate him. Oh, boy, this was WAY too much information to process at one time. I needed a drink something awful.

On my way out to the speeder I ran into Carl. He was just returning from the Wass Kombil hit. I asked him if his mission was successful, and he produced for me the head of a dead Jawa. I congratulated Carl and instructed him to bury the head in the sand. I was so pleased with my slave that I invited him to have drinks with me. On the way to the bar we stopped by the jail to visit Dad. He was ecstatic that the key witness in his trial was now dead. I took the opportunity to fill Dad in about Anakin being alive, and how he’s now a Sith Lord named Darth Vader.

Dad seemed stunned by this news, and then said something that I hadn’t thought of yet. If Vader finds out where Luke is, he could challenge Beru for custody, being his biological parent, and all. Dad’s right, I’ll have to call Beru and apprise her of all these new developments. I just hope that Mr. Whitesun doesn’t answer, because he’ll hang up on me.

Lars- out!

20051004

Darth Vader

I waited all day for Carl, but he never returned from his assassination mission. He must be hung up somewhere. The paper today said that Wass Kombil would be attending the annual conference for planetary peace. Between that and the fact that he’s the key witness in Dad’s trial, security around him must be tight. Carl’s probably just watching and waiting for the right time to strike.

As usual, I got a mailbox full of junk mail today. I was just about to strew it all over Obi-Wan’s property when something caught my eye. It was a leaflet from the new Empire addressed to, “resident”. It was basically a public relations gimmick to introduce the new government to the galaxy. I took it inside and read it cover to cover.

Inside were biographies of several high-ranking Imperial officials, including Emperor Palpatine, Grand Moff Tarkin, and a sinister-looking android-man named Darth Vader. Only Vader’s biography was labeled, “classified,” and so it said nothing of his background. Curious, I read on. The leaflet stated that the Empire is looking for people to help build their new battle station. It seems they simply don’t have enough slave and droid labor, so they’re willing to relocate people who want to move there. Food, board, and a small salary will be given to anyone who participates.

I put the information aside and began daydreaming. That would be so cool to leave Tatooine behind and start a wonderful new life in space. But I realized it was hopeless, as I have the farm to deal with, a father in jail, a Padme-dog, and I’m on probation for a hundred years. I did, however, keep going back to that picture of Darth Vader. I don’t know why, but there was something very familiar about him. Not the costume, itself, but something else; something behind the mask.

I went out to do some farming when I saw Obi-Wan getting his mail. I grabbed my electro binoculars to see him up close. He had received the same leaflet from the Empire, only he totally freaked out when he saw it. He kept pointing at the photo of Darth Vader and shouting. I couldn’t make out all the words, but at least 2 ½ of them were obscenities. He ran inside like he was on fire. I’ll bet he’s getting ready to talk to that dead Jedi, again. Man, I wish I could hear THAT conversation.

Maybe I can! My R2 unit is in working order again, so why can’t I send him over there to record what goes on, like in the old days? Without wasting any time, I programmed the little tin terror and sent him next door. Man, I hope he comes back with something good!

Lars- out!

20051003

Anakin's lightsaber

I paced the house all day trying to come up with a fool-proof plan to kill Wass Kombil. Not wanting to get caught and join Dad in jail, I didn’t want to rush into it. When I went outside to check on Carl’s farming, inspiration hit me like a meteor. Since Carl’s my slave, as has to do anything I say, why not just let HIM kill the Jawa witness? I approached the matter delicately, not wanting to scare him off.

I caught him up to speed about Dad’s charges, and about how this lying witness’ testimony may be enough to seal his fate. Carl, who always liked Dad (don’t ask me why), agreed to do the hit. He did have some apprehension, however, as he has few skills when it comes to stealth and assassination. Jokingly, I told him to go next door and get some Jedi training from Obi-Wan. He took me seriously, and before I could react, he was halfway to Kenobi’s place.

Carl was gone a long time, and when he returned, he was confident as ever. He said he told Obi-Wan that he wanted to be a Jedi, but it was explained to him that he first needed to be strong with the force. As he sat on Obi-Wan’s couch, he felt something hard between the seats. As the Jedi master went to fetch the tea, Carl realized he was sitting on a lightsaber handle. Quick to think, he shoved the lightsaber down the front of his pants.

When Obi-Wan returned with the tea, Carl jumped up, nervous. It seems he was worried that Obi-Wan would know what he did. But upon seeing Carl with the strange shape in his shorts, Obi-Wan told Carl to leave immediately, saying that he “wasn’t like that.” Whatever that means.

Carl showed me the lightsaber, and my heart leapt in my chest. On the handle was inscribed a single name, “Anakin.” I couldn’t believe it. Not only did Obi-Wan kill my brother and throw him in lava, but he kept his weapon, as well. Tears almost formed in my eyes as I held the lightsaber. I knew that this must be providence smiling down on me. Now I can have Carl kill Wass Kombil, then train him to use the weapon like a pro so he can later kill Obi-Wan. Life is good!

Carl and I planned the Wass assassination for at least three minutes, and then he was off. We planned to meet in Mos Eisely once the deed was done. Dad’s going to owe me big-time for this. Maybe I’ll make him sign the farm over to me. That would be sweet!

Lars- out!

20051002

A horrible favor

My slave, Carl, finally came back from the hospital yesterday. He had stayed the entire night there with Landa as she got several hundred stitches in her foot. After her family came to see her, he walked back the entire fifty miles to the homestead. He told me that she was doing all right, but that she was pretty mad at me. There may be a lawsuit, as well. Great, just what I need. Carl was dead tired from being up all night and walking a total of one hundred miles, so I immediately put him to work. I spent the rest of the day relaxing and catching up on my pod racing scores.

I got to sleep in today, but was awoken by a phone call from Jase Vulcan, Dad’s attorney. He said that as part of his defense strategy, he would like me to be a character witness for Dad. He wanted me to talk about how great a father Cliegg was while I was growing up, and what a stellar example of a man he was for me. In other words, he asked me to commit perjury. I told him I’d have to think about it.

One of the charges against Dad particularly bothered me; the claim that he may have murdered my mother, Barb, when I was six years old. It bothered me so bad that I drove my speeder to the Mos Eisley jail to have a visit with him. I found Dad to be in good spirits, but when I mentioned Mom, he clammed up. It was hard for him to talk about, so I let off.

He changed the subject quickly, saying that he knew who the anonymous source was that tipped the police off. Apparently, the mystery snitch was a Jawa named Wass Kombil. Kombil claims that he was hiding behind some rocks and watched as Dad brutally stabbed two Jawas just outside Beggar’s Canyon. This witness was going to be the cornerstone of the prosecution’s case, and Dad said that the jury would be likely to believe him, giving his impeccable reputation in the community.

I asked Dad why this Jawa would completely make up this story in order to get Dad convicted. Dad said it was because he owed the Jawa money. This made sense, as Dad owes everybody money. Then, shockingly, Dad asked me the strangest question of them all: he asked me if I love him. Leery, I said yes. He then said that if I truly loved him, I would “get rid” of this witness, so that Dad could go free. I turned white as a baby ghost. Before I could answer, the guard broke up our visit, saying Dad’s time was up. Walking away, Dad flashed me a loving smile.

I walked down to a local bar to think. The cantina was still closed because of the massacre, but even if it was opened, I’d probably be too embarrassed to go in there. After my thirteenth well drink, I decided that there was no other way; I’d have to kill Wass Kombil. But even if I did this dirty deed, wouldn’t they still be able to prosecute Dad for killing all those police officers? There were a dozen questions floating around in my head; too many for me to worry about. I would just concentrate on getting rid of this witness, and Jase Vulcan would have to take care of the rest. But how do I kill another being in cold blood? It’s just not in my genes!

Lars- out!