OBI-WAN THE MURDERER

My name is Owen Lars, moisture farmer extraordinaire. My step-brother, Anakin Skywalker, was betrayed and murdered by his mentor, Obi-wan Kenobi. I know this because Watto told me. This blog site is intended to raise awareness in the greater Mos Eisley area that this criminal is at large, living in our community, and what I, and hopefully others who care, plan to do about it.

20051020

Sleepy time

Qui-Gonn turned out to be a pretty cool guy. We chatted for a long time on the other side, and he shared with me a lot of his Jedi wisdom. His eyes were glassy and he sometimes laughed at inappropriate moments. This tended to get worse the more brownies he ate. He offered me one, but I declined. I’m already in a coma; I don’t need to be any more spaced out.

The main thing he told me is that Luke is very important to the future of the galaxy, and that we must make sure that Vader and the Emperor never learn of his existence. I agreed, and promised to remember this always. In return, I asked him if he could train me to be a Jedi. After an unprovoked fit of laughter, he told me that I’m simply not Jedi material. In fact, he found no Jedi characteristics in me, whatsoever.

He said in order for me to be trained as a Jedi, I’d have to stop being mean, selfish, crude, irresponsible, amoral, filthy, ignorant, crass, tacky, heartless, self-centered, shifty, dodgy, disgusting, violent, lazy, uncaring, morbid, and overall ridiculous. I felt this was a bit harsh, but he promised that if I stopped being all these things, he’d see that I got some Jedi training. I excitedly agreed, and he told me to wake up and fix my broken life.

Just then, I awoke from my coma. I was in a very nice hospital room and totally alone. I waited a few minutes for a nurse or someone to check on me, but no one came. Impatient, I got up and pulled out the various tubes I was hooked up to. My body was very weak, and I moved gingerly towards the room’s mirror. I was dying to see how bad-off my face was after that shotgun blast, and was quite surprised to find that there were only minor scars. What was surprising, however, was my overall appearance, as I looked much older, and had a long, scruffy beard.

Just then a nurse walked in holding a tray. Upon seeing me standing by the mirror, she screamed and dropped the tray. Later it was explained to me that I’ve been in a coma for the past 10 years. Ah, hell…

Lars- out!

20051017

The salad years

It turns out I wasn’t dead, after all. Instead, I went into a deep coma after being shot in the face by Mr. Whitesun. Although I couldn’t move or talk, I was still very aware of my surroundings. I could hear everything going on around me, like Mr. Whitesun calling the police to report that he had killed a burglar. When Beru got home, she cried and sobbed upon learning of my demise. She was really mad at her dad for killing me. The liar said it was dark and he thought I was a Tusken trying to steal his skill-saw.

It was the cops who first realized I was still breathing. They immediately called an ambulance and transported me to Mos Viggo General. I was hooked up to all kinds of tubes and my face was operated on. I really hope that I’m still handsome when the scars heal. Beru’s been visiting me regularly these past few days. She reads to me and tells me all the new stuff that Luke’s doing. She’s apologized many times for her dad’s behavior, and promised that it will never happen again. I should hope NOT.

My biggest problem right now is that it’s been four days, and I’m still in this blasted coma. I overheard the doctors telling Beru that there’s no timetable for when I’ll come out of it. In fact, there’s a possibility that I never will. That would really suck, let me just tell you. They’re feeding me through tubes, but I still long to eat something real, like puffed pork with barbeque sauce, or any kind of dehydrated meat. I also haven’t had a drink in quite some time, and could really use one.

I don’t know how someone makes themselves come out of a coma, but that would be really useful information right now. I feel so helpless in this state of nothingness. All I can really do is think. I think about Dad rotting in jail as his trial nears, about Carl tending the farm, and wondering if he’s been feeding Padme. But mostly I think about Beru, and how I need to tell her the truth about Darth Vader being Luke’s father. Also, I can’t wait to confront her about that other bloke she’s been dating. How could she…

Hang on; someone else is in here with me…

It’s that dead hippie Jedi, Qui-Gonn Jinn. What the heck is he doing in my coma? It seems like he’s beckoning me to come over. I wonder what he wants. This should be interesting, to say the least.

Lars- out! (Hopefully not for long)