OBI-WAN THE MURDERER

My name is Owen Lars, moisture farmer extraordinaire. My step-brother, Anakin Skywalker, was betrayed and murdered by his mentor, Obi-wan Kenobi. I know this because Watto told me. This blog site is intended to raise awareness in the greater Mos Eisley area that this criminal is at large, living in our community, and what I, and hopefully others who care, plan to do about it.

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Return of the king

I finally tracked down Beru and her husband, Carl. They live in a gated community in Mos Eisley Heights. I pretended to be the water delivery guy so the guard would let me in the neighborhood. I strolled up to their mansion and rang the doorbell. A ten year old blond kid opened the door; had to be Luke. I introduced myself as his Uncle Owen, but he informed me that his Uncle Owen was dead. I argued with him that I wasn’t dead, but he didn’t believe me. Little punk.

Just before I reached out to choke him mercilessly, Beru came to the door. She screamed when she saw me, and nearly passed out. I rushed her to her sofa and we talked for some time. She really looked older, not nearly as hot as she used to be, and I told her so. She didn’t seem to care; she only wanted to know why I had gone to her house in the first place, referring to when her dad shot me in the face. I told her to send Luke away, and she told him to go play with his dinosaurs. She said he’s really into dinosaurs, lately. Oh, wow, he must be the bomb with the ladies!

I explained to Beru that Darth Vader is Luke’s father, Anakin, and that Luke must never find out. She was alarmed, and agreed we must keep it a secret. Just then, the front door opened. I was finally going to meet Beru’s husband. My jaw hit the floor when I realized it was my slave, Carl. I went off! All the fires of Mustafar erupted inside me as I verbally assaulted the two heathens. Carl tried to calm me down, telling me that he had assumed himself a free man once I went into the deep coma. He further explained that he had gotten rich by inventing a new hydro-ring for moisture vaporator pumps, and then married Beru so as to watch over her for me.

Angrily, I asked him what had happened to my Padme dog. He whistled really loud, and from the back room emerged Padme, as disgusting and gangly as ever. Upon seeing her, my anger subsided, and I hugged her for a long time. I calmly told Carl that I was going to be moving in. Since he’s still legally my property, anything that is his is mine. This includes his house, and since I am currently homeless, I’ll need to stay here. Carl and Beru gave each other a clueless look, and then agreed.

I further explained that Dad would need a place to stay as well, as he’s getting out of prison today. I had Carl drive me to pick him up. The back gates of the prison opened, and Dad emerged, looking older and fatter, I swear he gained 150 pounds while in the joint. He seemed angry, and asked why I didn’t visit him once in the last ten years. I told him that I couldn’t, as I was in a coma. He didn’t accept this explanation, and kicked me really hard between the legs with his one good leg. Just like old times, except now, we’re rich!

Lars- out!