OBI-WAN THE MURDERER

My name is Owen Lars, moisture farmer extraordinaire. My step-brother, Anakin Skywalker, was betrayed and murdered by his mentor, Obi-wan Kenobi. I know this because Watto told me. This blog site is intended to raise awareness in the greater Mos Eisley area that this criminal is at large, living in our community, and what I, and hopefully others who care, plan to do about it.

20060718

Engine problems

Well, I did my good deed for this century. I was driving through the desert today when I saw a that some poor shmuck’s land speeder had broken down. Now, normally I would accelerate and speed by close to the guy, blasting a wave of hot sand all over him, but this time I decided to be nice instead, especially when I noticed it was a hot girl. Her name was Ithera, and the young girl knew nothing about fixing speeders. Fortunately for her, Saint Owen was at her rescue.

I opened her hood and immediately noticed that one of her battery cables had come loose. It would be a snap for me to plug it back in, and her speeder would start right up, but I wanted to spend more time talking to her, so I acted like it was a much bigger issue. As I systematically took apart her engine, I tried to swoon her with the Lars’ charm. She told me she was a college student at MEU, and that she had gotten lost right before her speeder broke down. For no reason, she kept mentioning that she had a boyfriend, and frequently mentioned him and his love of martial arts. I kept trying to change the subject, but she kept going back to him. It was really pissing me off.

To anger me even further, she kept holding her nose when I got close to her. Now, I’ll admit that it’s been some time since I’ve bathed, but there’s no way the stench of my body could seep through all the layers of my robes. Finally, I asked her point-blank if she’d go out with me sometime, and she flat-out refused. Even when I mentioned my wealth, she still said no. At this point, I asked myself why I was even helping her. There was absolutely nothing in it for me. I told her that I couldn’t fix the speeder, especially now that the engine had been totally taken apart. I told her to wait there while I went to get help. I wish I could see the look on her face when it gets dark and the Tusken Raiders come snooping around. They’re going to love her! I hope her boyfriend taught her karate!

As for all that mess with me beating Dad to a pulp last week, it’s all cool now. The only ill-effects I suffered were several lacerations across the top of my foot. I have to walk on it gingerly, but it’s feeling a little better every day. As far as Dad goes, he’s completely blind in both eyes. The doctors don’t know yet if it’s temporary or permanent blindness, and say that only time will tell. Personally, I could care less either way. Watto’s still in the hospital, I think, but again, I don’t care. All I know is that Dad decided not to press charges in exchange for me luring a family of unsuspecting Jawas into his room. I don’t know what he wanted with them. He must be lonely.

Lars- out!

3 Comments:

At 2:38 PM, Anonymous Tatooine Bedouin said...

good move, Owen. but man, you need to step up your game. YOu don't just leave a HOT GIRL in the desert...even if she doesn't like you; instead, you kidnap her and keep her as a slave, holding her hostage in your cellar and ravishing her repeatedly until she eventually has no knowledge of her old life and realizes she in fact loves the abuse. Geez Owen, I thought you knew all this.

 
At 5:41 PM, Anonymous Charlie Batch said...

Owen, Will you ever change? What are we to do with You? A gentleman would have fixed the womans' speeder regardless of the situation. As for Tatooine Bedouin, you are a sick, deranged and mental piece of work. You are going straight to hell in a handbasket. Ta-ta

 
At 9:47 PM, Anonymous Gabe said...

OMG. That first comment is border-line illegal bro. Don't try that, no es recommiendo...I also have to say that I like the little search thing you have, where you can search for google ads on any topic. That is a feature i'll visit often.

 

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