OBI-WAN THE MURDERER

My name is Owen Lars, moisture farmer extraordinaire. My step-brother, Anakin Skywalker, was betrayed and murdered by his mentor, Obi-wan Kenobi. I know this because Watto told me. This blog site is intended to raise awareness in the greater Mos Eisley area that this criminal is at large, living in our community, and what I, and hopefully others who care, plan to do about it.

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Owen the barbarian!

To explain Luke’s disappearance to Beru, I decided to get crafty. I got a hold of one of his colorful robes, tore it to pieces, soaked it in Jawa blood, and showed it to her. I told her he must have been attacked by sand people and viciously slain. Beru started to wail and cry like a baby! I went on to describe many of the Tusken Raiders’ torture techniques in great detail, but this only upset her further. I couldn’t understand; Luke wasn’t her real son, what’s the big deal! I told the irrational woman to look on the bright side; at least now we don’t have to feed and shelter the little brat, and this means more money to sink into the theme park. But nothing I said made her feel better. You just can’t talk to unreasonable people!

I had to get out of that madhouse, so I drove the speeder to the Mos Eisley cantina for a quick drinks. After about seven strong ones, I drove home. I was shocked to find Beru still upset over the Luke thing! On the flip side, Dad kept laughing hysterically at the poor boy’s demise. What a jerk! Beru started going off about giving Luke a proper burial, and how I would have to find his remains, and all this crap. Where the heck am I going to find human remains that resemble Luke?

Just to shut her up, I told Beru I would drive down to the Tusken encampment and kill all the sand people, rescue Luke’s mangled body, and return a hero. But because I was still very buzzed, I didn’t feel like it was safe to drive, so I only drove about a quarter-mile and parked near Lordo’s Gorge. I had a magazine in the speeder, so I read it for a while to kill some time. After I had read it cover to cover, I headed back home. I told Beru that I killed fifty-seven sand people with my bare hands, but there was no trace of Luke’s corpse. I told her they must have eaten his remains. Dad licked his lips at that part.

Beru kept giving me a death stare, and in a second, I realized why. Just then, Luke walked in the room from the kitchen. He was eating a sandwich, and when he saw me, gave me a similar look. What had happened, apparently, is that my meddling neighbor, Obi-Wan Kenobi, somehow sensed that Luke was in danger, and took it upon himself to rescue Luke from the traveling circus. He brought Luke home while I was out heroically fighting the sand people. What gall he has to get into our business. I hate him again!

I knew what was coming next, so I darted out of the house and into my land speeder. I figured I would go spend the night at the construction site. Those guys like me.

Lars- out!